dating love

I wonder how many times we all have heard this statement. Yes, I agree with it wholeheartedly, but I must admit it has always sounded kind of vague to me. I have often wondered how do I really know whether I love myself? How does it show? Do I really know myself? It's easy to say: "Yes, I do". But I don't think it's that simple.

I am in my early thirties and only recently have I started a journey of discovering myself. I know, excuse me for the cliché statement We all have heard it before in various contexts "discover oneself" but what does it really mean?

I am not sure yet, but I think I am getting there. I will be honest it all started by meeting someone who inspired me to begin learning about myself and start accepting myself.

For the first time in my life, I started a relationship with a man, who not only wants to learn about me, but wants me to learn about myself and accept my "less desirable" attributes. It was interesting to discover that he had no problem loving me the way I am, with all my flaws and imperfections, but I did!

He was surprised, when, after the initial "I know I am not perfect, but I won't necessarily talk about my flaws right away" stage, I openly admitted that I don't like certain characteristics of my personality.

Sure, I have lots of desirable attributes, I am aware of them and I embrace them. These have allowed me to bring lots of joy and love into people's lives and into my own.

But what about the ones that I have never been exactly proud of? Those that may have been the cause of pain to me or someone else?

Let's face it we all have them, otherwise they wouldn't be that saying "Nobody is perfect".

I wonder how many of us have ever taken time to think about what we are really like, what about us we are proud of and what we are not. Have you? Can you think of something about you that you would like to improve?

I have always been aware of my shortcomings, and I would openly admit my dislike for them. I have tried to push them away, ignore them as that part of me which doesn't really belong to me. "It's the other Janka, not me! I would never do that. I really don't feel very fond of her "kind of mentality. It never worked, sooner or later they would surface because they are essentially a part of me. I am starting to understand that constantly denying and disliking certain parts of my personality might have prevented me from loving myself completely and consequently giving my partner the kind of love they deserve.

Do you think I am too vague? Well, think about how you felt when you lost your temper with someone, because you are not exactly the most patient person in the world, or you did not communicate with your partner, because you tend to close yourself off, or you exploded in front of your partner because something triggered the jealous you. (Still, did he have to emphasize she was cute?....just kidding)

To be honest, I am not yet sure how to improve these flaws or eliminate them, but for the first time in my life, I have met someone who encourages me to take a different approach than the one I was so used to taking all this time. Instead of trying so hard to change and constantly denying my shortcomings, he wants me to embrace them in order to overcome them. He says the change might not even happen; still, he wants me to start accepting my imperfections, as they are a part of who I am. He says he loves me with those imperfections and he wants me to start loving myself, including the Janka I have never liked very much (She is a very jealous girl and she has caused grief in the past, are you surprised that I have a hard time liking her?).

It's not easy, but I am trying to embrace her. After all, he does! I don't know how to thank him. For inspiring me to look into myself, turning me in the right direction and encouraging me to LOVE myself. I am starting to see that by learning how to love myself, I will be able to love him better.

It's a complex process and I know it will take time. I don't know how successful the outcome will be. But at least I am on the right path. Sometimes it just takes for that one special person to come into your life and show you the way.

Janka Bond is an author living Southern California with her husband James and their cat Wyatt. Janka works as an administrative assistant an online dating consultant. James and Janka also provide advice to couples on communication techniques and activities to increase intimacy in relationships.

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